Manners Matter

One of the privileges I have, is to travel to churches around the world and encourage them in their ministry to the next generation. In many cultures the children’s ministry has a great emphasis on manners. Children are expected to respect their elders, tidy up at the end of the sessions, even pack away the chairs and sweep the floors before they can leave. Some even give time to teach children table manners and how to use a knife and fork properly.

Back in the UK this is not the norm – we devote our time more to the spiritual development of children (or in some cases to the entertainment of the children, with the priority of our children having a good time.) We see our role as bring to serve the children, not to have them serve us through cleaning the building and packing things away. But I believe we have something important to learn from our international church family.

But first, let’s consider why there is such a difference.

Trends in the West

In the West we have had a great emphasis on personal autonomy (sometime disconnected from personal responsibility) and on the protection of children (including from harsh labour). Childhood is viewed as a time of joy and of education, labour will come later. In such a world manners become optional. As some would say, ‘you can’t force a child to say sorry.’ Much of this flows out from a secular worldview, where there is no god watching over you and you are free to do whatever feels right to you. This cultural crisis effects children as there is no longer a standard expected from all in the same way.

Each child is seen more as an individual than as a member of the wider society. Children are of course individuals, as wonderful as they are unique, but they are also expected to be functioning members of society. We need both, not either or. Much of the world gets this as the church holds a more holistic role in society, running the schools, serving the community and supporting children physically, emotionally and spiritually in every area of their lives.

Within the church we also have a strong emphasis on salvation by faith not by works. This leads to us rightly not wanting to force outward conformity among our children. Instead we target inward transformation that leads to outward change. To put it another way: our faith is not a matter of outward conformity, but our faith does impact behaviour. But societal rules have not been developed by chance; many of the traditional ‘British values’ come as an overflow of belief in God and specifically in understand God’s grace and love as seen in His son Jesus Christ. As the Christian worldview is eroded in society it is leading to an identity crisis at societal level. People break off into different factions and uniformity of behaviour (or at least of expected behaviour) within churches, let alone across different church communities or wider society, is no longer an aspiration.

Combine this with the pressures on family as couples have to work fulltime to live and children are left to their own devices within the home for longer periods of time and you have a vacuum when it comes to society. Yet all this leads to a degradation of society as standards of basic courtesy spiral downwards and our interactions become more transactional than relational. So how do we navigate this.

Does it matter?

There may be some reading the above who think – does it even matter? The old rules were rigid, we are in a new time of liberation. While I agree that we would not want to return to all the old ways, basic manners and responsibility for yourself and your surroundings make for a better society for all. To put it another way, we say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ as a basic standard not to conform to some bygone era but because every person is made in God’s image and so deserves these common courtesies.

These soft skills may not be popular in this generation, but they do make for a better society and individuals who understand this gain an advantage in life as they look not just to their own needs but to the needs of others. And that is the heart of it - manners is about putting other people before yourself and treating other people with respect, on the basis that they too are human beings made in God's image. It's a move from selfishness to selflessness that begins with a few social conventions and point to our Creator and His order for creation. As we pass on our faith we are also passing on the values of our faith.

Raising our children does not happen by accident, it requires much effort from us. Working hard is not simply a matter of playing your part - it's about doing all things for the glory of God. Our faith is not a matter of outward conformity, but our faith does impact behaviour. Societal rules have not been developed by chance, but many of the traditional British values come as an overflow of belief in God and specifically in understand God’s grace and love as seen in His son Jesus Christ.

Practically

This may seem like a strange topic for a blog, but I want every child to flourish. We serve them well when we equip them to flourish – and that includes helping them to treat others with respect.

So here are 5 practical things that I think it is worth enforcing in the home and 5 things to enact in our church programmes.

In church programmes:

1. Children should greet others and especially welcome newcomers to the group. I went to one group and a child walked up to me and said, ‘I hate you.’ I was somewhat surprised as I had only just arrived and we had never met before. As the child was walking off I called them back, told him my name and asked for his name, this was, after all, our first time of meeting. We reset our introductions with this common courtesy and he relaxed into the day.

2. Please and thank you should be required. If you are serving refreshments for your children teach them to use these words. I don’t need you to say ‘Please,’ or ‘Thank you,’ but I do need you to be the kind of person who uses these words to help you to avoid becoming entitled and ungrateful.

3. When the lesson is over, the life lesson can begin. Get the children to clear up their mess and to clean up the room. This turns the tables from entitlement to civic responsibility. We took some children out on the streets to help tidy up the local area and some of the older ones really struggled with it. ‘Why am I doing this? Aren’t there people paid to clean up after us?’ It showed us how much these lessons were needed. Compare this to the Japanese fans who clean up the stadium around them before heading home because they see this as part of their civic responsibility.

4. If you do something wrong you should try to make it right. That might include saying sorry. Some would say there is no point in children saying sorry if they don’t mean it, but don’t forget the person who was wronged. They deserve an apology even if it is not heartfelt in the moment. This is part of us caring for people other than ourselves. This is also a step towards learning about repentance.

5. Encourage them to think, ‘What can I do to make others have a better day today?’

At home:

1. Children should be expected to greet visitors to the house, even if they are not ‘their’ friends. Friendliness matters.

2. Table manners matter. Simply phrases like, ‘Please could you pass the salt,’ something we had to learn to model better, honour those around you.

3. Tidy up after yourself. This principle sets them up for order in life.

4. Communicate. As they grow older it is not unreasonable to expect our teenagers to tell us where they are going and when they will be back. Any people living together communicate these simple things because in doing so they honour the people around them.

5. Encourage your children to be thankful and not complain.

It takes work to develop these habits in our children but it is worth it.

Some would say we should focus only on the spiritual, others would focus more on behaviour, discipleship involves the whole package. This is not either/or it is a case of both/and. In teaching manners, we teach the value of other people and the importance of being considerate of others. After all good manners cost nothing.

This can be summarized with Jesus’ words: ‘So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.’ Matthew 7:12.