Teenagers are not Biblical

What would happen if we treated our 13-plus-year-olds as young adults instead of teenagers? It’s been a radical approach with great results for my family, writes Olly Goldenberg

Did you know that teenagers aren’t biblical? Nowhere in the Bible will you find the word “teenager”. They’re a very modern concept!

Over the last century we’ve stretched out education to last longer and longer and in doing so we’ve created this stage between childhood and adulthood.

It does have its advantages, but let’s face it: it can also be confusing. As parents, we want our teens to act like adults, yet sometimes we still treat them like children. Sometimes teens want responsibility, other times not. Friction can arise.

It's interesting that Jewish culture has a different model. At 13, boys have their Bar Mitzvah and girls their Bat Mitzvah. From then on they’re viewed as adults. Not half adults. Full ones. Sons and daughters of the law.

It’s a model we see in the Bible too. In Acts 2 it says, “I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your young men will see visions, your old men will dream dreams.”

You see how there are two clear generations? Imagine a younger person saying, “We’re going to fill a stadium with people praising Jesus!” but an older one replying, “Great dream, but why don’t we start with filling your living room?” Put together, the two generations strengthen each other: the youth with their energy and zeal and the older people with the wisdom to temper it.

But by viewing our youth as teenagers are we holding them back from developing into young adults and in their ability to serve God? Are we infantilising them when it’s time for them to mature and grow up?

This is a dilemma we’ve experienced in our own family with our five children.

Obviously every family is different, but let me share a few things we’ve tried to address that.

In our family we make a big deal about moving from a child to an adult. Our three oldest children are boys and when they each reached 13 we had a coming of age ceremony, gathering men around them to declare them as men and to pray and prophesy over them.

In the year before this we studied a number of topics with them to prepare them for adulthood – sexuality, chivalry and the good and bad kings of Israel. We wanted them to understand what Godly expressions of adulthood look like. We challenged them, “One day you will be a leader somewhere; in your home, business or church. How are you going to lead?”.

One of the phrases we use a lot is “freedom and responsibility”. From 13, our sons have been free to make more decisions but they have to take responsibility for them too.

We abolish bedtimes at 13, for example. Our kids are free to go to bed whenever they want, but their responsibility is to wake up on time, shower and be ready for the day.

Here, we’re treating them as adults, but they’re still under our care and they still need to honour us. They know they will lose this freedom if they repeatedly get up late. Bed time will get reintroduced for a while! That’s not a punishment, but them learning the consequences of not accepting their responsibilities.

Because they are part of our family and living in our home we set boundaries to respect too. If one of our children wanted to stay out at a party until 2am when they were just 14 there would be a discussion and we’d have a right to veto that. The whole family also sticks to a rule where we leave our phones in a drawer after 10pm.

One contentious issue can be whether you force your kids to go to church. We decided that as a family we will go to church together, so we ask our kids that while they’re living in our home they respect that.

Another thing that works really well is that we encouraged each of our sons to select a mentor who can give them Godly advice. They can call them and share things they wouldn’t want to talk to us about. We chose their mentors together and they speak to them regularly.

Interestingly, this concept of viewing our kids as adults has changed the dynamic between us and we’ve found they come to us for advice about difficult decisions too. I’m sure that’s because they know we have confidence in them to make wise choices.

If they’ve messed up we’ve offered a listening ear. Why did they find themselves in that situation? What would they do differently next time? We might feel disappointed, but how can we move on?

This avoids the tension of us clamping down and them pushing back; grappling for things we’re not happy to allow.

By teaching them about freedom and responsibility and offering an open, reflective ear, we’re trying to help them flourish as the men of God they’re called to be in this season of life.

This article was first published in Elim's Direction magazine September 2024.